Today is a great day. The sun is shining, and my job is amazing. Hannah sighed. This wasn’t working. At least she had dinner with Grace to look forward to tonight.
She looked up at her team’s mission statement, proudly emblazoned beside a cartoon panda. The PandaWeb Customer Happiness Team aspires to make our customers’ lives easier. Someone should’ve been fired for coming up with the name, ‘Customer Happiness Team.’
“That’s stupid,” the caller spat. “Why can’t you just give me their phone numbers?”
Hannah sighed—in her mind, at least. She was careful not to let her frustration show through her voice. Most of her customers were angry and rude if they didn’t get what they wanted, and this guy was no different. She put on her best, well-practiced, pleasant support voice.
“PandaWeb does indeed share others’ personal information if they consent to it. Unfortunately, these individuals didn’t consent, so we can’t share their details. Perhaps you could expand your search to a wider target audience?
“Perhaps you could just do your jobs and be useful for once!” he shot back, before hanging up on her. Mercifully. She understood his frustration, but she simply couldn’t help him.
PandaWeb’s AI could compose music, hold conversations, and even create your sales strategy. It could tell you—generally—who your likely customer group would be, even though the system knew exactly who they were. But PandaWeb would never give away personal information. Sure, it was unethical, but bad press was worse. Not to mention the lawsuits.
This was vastly different from where Hannah thought she’d be in her career. She’d graduated with her psych degree two years ago but struggled to find the clinical work that she enjoyed, so she took this customer service job, just to pay the bills. Grace, her oldest friend in the world, teased her about it mercilessly. But Hannah stayed, even though some days it felt like she spent her whole life on the phone with angry people. It was a petri dish of human dysfunction, but it was right there for her to examine, a real-life experiment. Well, that was the story she told herself.
And on top of it all, Grace and Noah just got engaged. Hannah was thrilled at the news. She almost believed that one, too.
The next customer immediately appeared on her queue. A new user, with the ID ‘nobodyhome’. Well, at least he had a sense of humor. His account showed his name as Ryan—it was always important to use the customer’s name, after all. She connected the call and put on her best, happy-customer-service voice.
“Hello Ryan, and thank you for calling PandaWeb! My name is Hannah. How can I make your day great?” she asked.
The person on the other end laughed. “Wow, that’s quite the greeting! Congratulations, you’ve already made my day. Do they give you lots of free coffee or something?”
Hannah smiled—it was nice to finally talk to someone who wasn’t angry. “Oh, I’m just a naturally awesome person,” she retorted. If the Quality Team reviewed the recording of this, she’d get her wrist slapped for going off script. But her customer happiness stats were pretty good, despite the grumpy callers, so she wasn’t too worried. “So, how can I help you today?”
“I’ve kind of locked myself out of my account, and I need help getting back in.”
“Just ‘kind of’, huh? Sure, I can help you with that one.” This was an easy fix. After her last few calls, Hannah could use an easy one. “Did you try resetting your password online?”
“Yeah, so, uh… no. I couldn’t. I entered the wrong password too many times and it took away the option.”
“Really? How many times did you enter the wrong password?”
“Um… twelve…”
Hannah stifled a laugh. It was hard. Really hard. “And then it finally locked you out, huh? Can’t imagine why. You didn’t want to hit the ‘forgot password’ button before it locked you out entirely?” Quality would roast her for saying that. But come on, she had to. Some people just deserved it.
“I was sure I remembered it! I was so close…” Hannah could hear the grin in his voice. He was enjoying this, too. “Aren’t you supposed to be nice to me or something?”
“Okay,” Hannah put on her sweetest, most reassuring tone, “I’ll be nice. I can help you reset your password. Can you confirm your full name for me, please?”
“My name is Ryan Cooper.”
“Thanks, Ryan, it’s nice to meet you!”
“It’s nice to meet you too, Hannah, even though you’re being very mean to me,” Ryan teased her back. He remembered her name. Hannah was impressed. Callers don’t often bother to do that.
“And can you confirm your address for me, Ryan?”
“Are you sure you aren’t going to start stalking me?” came the response.
“Only if you’re cute…” Okay, Hannah mentally slapped herself for that one. She truly should not have said that. Quality was going to discipline her for sure. But it was surprisingly easy to get caught up bantering with this guy. She took a breath. Get back on script, she told herself.
“You’re in luck then!” Ryan replied. “I’m totally cute. And I’m not at all biased about it.” He gave her the address.
Hannah looked at Ryan’s account info. The address checked out. He was in Portland, just like her. And yes, his profile picture was there, and he was actually pretty good-looking. She was intrigued. He was unusually friendly, easy to chat with, and in the same city. It was a promising coincidence, but in the back of her mind, something also seemed a little off. She wasn’t a suspicious person, but this was awfully convenient.
He could be a contractor, hired to find holes in the company’s security. Hannah knew enough about human behavior to know that tricking people was always the easiest way to break into a company. And PandaWeb had some serious cutting-edge tech, which came with competitors very eager to get their hands on it. This guy was a super smooth talker. He could easily be some kind of social engineering security consultant.
But then, for all she knew, ‘Ryan’ could even be one of the company’s AI bots, software pretending to be human and probing for weaknesses in employees’ security training. He sounded real, but PandaWeb’s AI bots were sophisticated. Really sophisticated.
“We’re still connected, right?” Ryan’s voice came floating back into Hannah’s consciousness. “I didn’t scare you off, did I?”
Hannah laughed. Well, fine, even if he was a bot, at least she was going to enjoy the chat. And as long as she stuck to the script—mostly—then he wouldn’t be able to use her to get past the company’s security.
“I’m still here! Just confirming your address. And can you confirm your phone number for me, please?”
Ryan laughed again. He laughed easily, she noticed. “You want my number? Okay, now I definitely know you’re hitting on me.” But he still gave her the info, which matched his account.
Hannah sighed in mock exasperation. “You wish you were so lucky. I’ll text the number with a link to reset your password. Okay?”
“Sure, that works. But this isn’t fair. Aren’t you going to give me your phone number, too?”
“Sorry. Doesn’t work that way,” Hannah countered with a smile. “At least, not yet. Did you get the text?”
“Fair enough. But don’t think I’m giving up that easily.”
“Oh, you’re clearly persistent. I’m sure you’ll never give up. You did try to enter your password fifteen times…”
“Ouch! And it was only twelve.”
“Right. That’s much better. So, did you get the text?”
“Yup, just going through the link to reset my password… And we’re in! I’m going to write it down this time, so I don’t forget it.”
“Smart. Is there anything else I can help you with today?” Hannah didn’t want to end the conversation, but she did have a job to do and lots of angry customers waiting for her to brighten their day.
“Nope, you’ve been wonderful. But I’m sure I’ll think of something tomorrow that’ll absolutely require your help.”
Hannah smiled. Again. “I’m sure you will.”
Ryan was true to his word. Over the next several weeks, he called with impressive regularity—nearly every day—usually with silly problems that he obviously manufactured. And he had an uncanny knack of being able to reach her. There were lots of other Customer Happiness Team members, so most of the time he should have been directed to other agents. Hannah wondered how many times he had to call before she was the one to pick up. Did he hang up every time he got someone other than her?
But then, if he was a bot, that would easily explain why he always managed to reach her. Hannah had long since decided to stop worrying about it, though. The Quality Team must have listened to some of their calls by now, but nobody had reprimanded her for the way she was handling them. If this genuinely was some company test, she hadn’t failed yet.
Plus, Grace told her she should get out of her head and just enjoy the calls. He obviously liked her, he seemed nice, and the company wasn’t coming after her. What harm could it be?
She didn’t have time to worry about it, anyway. It was a big day for PandaWeb. Tonight would be their largest upgrade since the company started. They’d been beta testing it for over two months and now it was time to bring it to the world. But the public was getting concerned about AI, and the company had been in the news almost daily. Today’s headline exclaimed, How Do We Know? In response, Quality pushed in several last-minute changes to tighten security and customer protection. Hannah was pretty sure those changes didn’t include protecting the Customer Happiness Team. But as long as it meant fewer angry callers, Hannah was all for it.
Hannah took a breath as she hung up from her latest call. It was just before noon, and she could fit in one more customer before her break. The next user appeared on her queue: ‘nobodyhome’. Hannah rolled her eyes. How did he always pull this off? She started the call.
“Hello Ryan, and thank you for calling PandaWeb! My name is Hannah. How can I make your day great?” she asked, with only a hint of irony.
“Come on—I know who you are! Do they dock your pay if you don’t say that?” came the voice on the other end.
“Ryan, it’s wonderful to speak with you again.” She meant it, too. “Is this call business or pleasure?” She mentally kicked herself. Five seconds into the conversation and he’s already got her off script. Why did she keep doing this? Quality still hadn’t come after her, but she couldn’t dodge that bullet forever.
“Why can’t it be both?” She could hear the grin in Ryan’s voice. He was enjoying this. “You’re too good at your job. I can’t seem to do this without you.”
“So I’ve noticed. And how can I assist you today, Ryan?”
“I have a serious issue I’m trying to resolve.” Okay, good. It was a work topic. “I’ve got this lunch reservation tomorrow with nobody to join me. I need your help.”
Hannah tried, but she couldn’t hold back a snort. That was a new one for her.
“Okay, I’ll tell you what,” she countered. “I’ve got my break coming up, so I’ll clock off and then we can chat like normal people.”
“Normal, huh? Not sure I’d be good at pulling that one off.”
“Yeah, normal would be a stretch for you.” She opened up her timecard and marked herself offline.
Ryan’s lunch offer had her intrigued. They’d talked a lot, but Hannah still hadn’t actually met him in person. She honestly did enjoy chatting with him, and he was obviously interested in her. But even after all these weeks, she still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Working in a call center wasn’t in the top ten list of ways to meet a date. If he was a security contractor, he was definitely toying with her. She should meet with him just to find out. That way, if this was all just a test and he was leading her on, it would be easier to murder him.
But there was still the possibility that he was a bot. From all their chats, he seemed like a normal person, doing normal stuff. But PandaWeb sometimes even gave their bots whole life stories, to make it a more realistic experience for the user.
Ugh. She was way overthinking this.
Ryan’s voice drifted back over her headset. “Hello? Are we still connected? Do you go quiet with all your customers, or is it just me?”
“Oh, yes, sorry.” Hannah snapped back to reality. “I was just logging off. I’m officially on personal time. I’d better not be wasting it…”
Ryan laughed. “I promise to make it worthwhile!”
“We’ll see,” Hannah countered with a smile. She didn’t want to make this too easy for him.
“You won’t regret it.” He was undeterred. “You’re in Portland, right?”
“You’re afraid I packed up and moved since the last time you asked, Mister Stalker?”
“I prefer to think of myself as adorably persistent.”
“Bordering on creepy, yes. You’re lucky I like chatting with you. Otherwise, I would’ve blocked you weeks ago.”
“You can do that?” He seemed genuinely curious.
“It’s a special feature we added, just for you.”
“Well then, thank you for not blocking me!” he proclaimed, mock formality playing at the edges of his voice. “So, lunch?”
“I could be convinced. What are you suggesting?”
“Dao. Asian fusion. It just opened and already has a wait list that’s months long. But I’ve got a buddy who works there, and he scored me a lunch reservation, noon tomorrow, for two. Convinced?”
She’d heard of Dao, and she’d heard how hard it was to get in there. Getting a reservation, even for lunch, was indeed a big score. Plus, it wasn’t too far from the call center, so she could get there and back and not be too late from her lunch break.
“Sounds fancy. Why are you asking me? You haven’t met me. You haven’t even seen me.” It was true—they’d never met in person, and she definitely hadn’t shared any photos yet. She hadn’t even given him her last name, in case he actually was some crazy stalker. It was safer that way.
Of course, she already knew what Ryan looked like from his profile. And Hannah had tracked him down online weeks ago. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He didn’t have much online about his job, which was a red flag supporting the security consultant theory. But he posted lots of pictures with friends, restaurants, beaches, and even kiteboarding, which reassured her a little. If someone was faking all those pictures, they were putting a lot of effort into it. It made it less likely that he was a bot or a psycho.
“I don’t care,” he countered. “It’s kind of exciting, actually. Like the ultimate blind date. I really like spending time with you, so I’ve got a good feeling about this.”
He was winning, but she wasn’t going to let him off the hook quite yet. “I may be off the clock, but we’re still being recorded, you know, so the police will know who I’m talking to if I disappear.”
He laughed. “How’s this: ‘To big brother monitoring our calls—if Hannah disappears after our date tomorrow, it’s because she ran off with me.’”
Now it was Hannah’s turn to laugh. “Okay, fine. You win. You’ve convinced me. Meet you at Dao at noon?”
“Deal!” Ryan sounded genuinely excited. “How will I recognize you?”
“You won’t,” she teased. “If I show up and you look sketchy, I’m bailing and blocking you.”
“You drive a hard bargain. Guess that means I’ll have to comb my hair first.”
“Yes, Ryan, you absolutely have to comb your hair. And I’m on my lunch break right now, so I still have to have lunch. I’ll see you tomorrow!”
“Yes! I’m looking forward to finally meeting you in person, Hannah! We’ll talk soon…”
Hannah smiled to herself as she ended the call. She had a good feeling about him. And there were worse places to go for a first date. She spent the rest of the afternoon smiling to herself. There were still back-to-back calls from customers nervous about the big upgrade tonight, but her mood was infectious. The end-of-day feedback on her customer happiness stats were through the roof. It was definitely a great day.
The next morning was crazy busy for Hannah. The big upgrade to PandaWeb’s AI system last night was a success. Lots of new features that put them even further ahead of the competition. Security features to protect customers and hopefully reduce any bad press—and angry calls.
Just after ten, the username ‘nobodyhome’ appeared, with all the usual account info. Hannah smiled as she started the call.
“Hello Ryan, and thank you for calling PandaWeb! My name is Hannah. How can I make your day great?” she asked.
“Don’t you ever get tired of saying that?” he asked with a laugh.
“Of course not! How are you doing today?”
“I’m doing great, thank you for asking,” Ryan replied, the smile obvious in his voice. “I’m really looking forward to lunch. How was your morning? Last night was a big night over there.”
“It was big. And lots of calls this morning, so it’s really busy. But it’s been good—it’s nice to help people with their problems. How about you? Is the system working well for you today?”
Ryan grunted noncommittally. “Honestly, I haven’t even checked. Doesn’t really matter that much to me. I don’t use the system that much—I’m just here to chat.”
Hannah felt herself relax, ever so slightly. It was nice to talk to someone who wasn’t upset. “That’s really great, so you haven’t encountered any problems at all?”
“Nope, nothing.”
Hannah smiled. “That’s wonderful then! Is there anything else that I can help you with?”
“Nope, just looking forward to seeing you at lunch!”
“Oh, are you coming by the office?” Hannah asked, a playful tone in her voice.
“Sure! I can pick you up if you’d like.” Ryan seemed quite eager to meet.
Hannah smiled again. “Pick me up? What for?”
Ryan laughed. “Seriously? You’re really making me work for this, aren’t you? Okay, fine. Hi! My name is Ryan. I’m taking you to lunch. At Dao. But honestly, it’s okay if today is too crazy for you. We can reschedule for another day.” He paused briefly. “I can’t promise it’ll be as fancy though. Dao is booked up for months, so we might have to go somewhere else.”
“I’m not sure what to say,” Hannah confessed. “I mean, thanks for the offer, but I can’t just run off for lunch with you. I don’t even know you.”
There was a short silence on Ryan’s end. “This is still a joke, right?”
“Sorry,” she answered, “you seem like a nice guy, but I’m not heading to lunch with someone I’ve never even talked to before.”
“Hannah, this isn’t funny anymore.” An edge started to appear in Ryan’s voice. “We’ve been talking for weeks…”
It was Hannah’s turn to pause. Talking for weeks? This guy was starting to be more than a little creepy. Maybe he was a contractor for the Quality Team—they sometimes hire people to call and pose as difficult customers, to keep the Customer Happiness Team on their toes. She had to get the conversation back on script.
“Maybe you were speaking with someone else. Are there any other system problems I can help you with?”
“I wasn’t speaking with someone else! It was… I don’t understand…” The pause on his end was longer this time. “Are we okay?” he asked, his voice barely audible.
“I’m great,” Hannah replied pleasantly. “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
“I guess not.” The silence was so long, Hannah almost disconnected. “Does that mean we’re done?” he asked, finally.
“Yes, I guess we’re done!” Hannah was relieved to bring the call to a close. “Thank you for calling PandaWeb. I hope you have a wonderful day!”
“Yeah, thanks…” Ryan was the first to hang up.
Hannah thought about that one for a bit. Dao would have been fun to check out sometime. But she had no idea why some random guy was suddenly asking her out to lunch. He was probably sent by Quality. But that’d be too weird, even for them. She thought further and then blocked user ‘nobodyhome’. He can go to someone else on the Customer Happiness Team next time. Blocking him would definitely flag the conversation with Quality, but the company can’t fault her for being safe.
She sighed. Or maybe he was one of PandaWeb’s AI bots. PandaWeb had some really sophisticated tech when it came to artificial intelligence. She’d heard that some of their bots have whole life stories and everything, all to make the customer experience more realistic.
Some of their bots even think they’re human.
By day, Charles is professional engineer with a specialization in medical diagnostic technology. He works in the Canadian healthcare system and teaches a master’s degree seminar on racial bias and the determinants of health. He is also the obnoxiously proud father of a biracial Chinese Canadian family, and when he isn’t writing, teaching, or delivering new technologies to hospitals, he spends his time working hard to embarrass his teenage kids, who generally wish he’d go back to writing.