{"id":70654,"date":"2016-12-20T00:13:31","date_gmt":"2016-12-20T00:13:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/?p=70654"},"modified":"2023-11-04T15:06:26","modified_gmt":"2023-11-04T15:06:26","slug":"the-rachel-who-loved-me","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/?p=70654","title":{"rendered":"The Rachel Who Loved Me"},"content":{"rendered":"

Day 798<\/strong><\/p>\n

My knees get weak at the sight of her. I start to sweat and my heart begins to hammer. My eyes go glassy and my pupils splay so wide they become like black holes. And I can\u2019t think straight. I can\u2019t even think simple thoughts, like calculating the diameter of a wormhole, which I could normally do in my sleep.<\/p>\n

Once on Anterra, this backwater world filled with nothing but swamps, frogs, and bugs, I contracted a strange kind of brain fever. I went mad! Went all kinds of crazy. And what I felt and thought are the exact same things that I think and feel when she is near.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s annoying. It\u2019s distracting. I hate myself for it. It\u2019s like there was a revolt in my mind and my common sense lost and got the guillotine.<\/p>\n

This is no kind of woman to be in love with. NONE! She was chosen because she was everything that I detest. Where I\u2019m thin and neat and intelligent, she is not. Where I am outgoing, successful, and have a zest for life, she does not. Where I am complicated, she is not. Where I am anything, she is not.<\/p>\n

Her kind was to let me focus on my important work and not entangle me with the encumbrances of love or any other complication. She was to be a simple subject for me to explore scientifically, objectively, soberly. Like dissecting the brain of a fetal pig, I care not for the pig. <\/p>\n

Rachel, oh Rachel! You bubble into the room to pick up the garbage I\u2019ve left on the floor and my head goes mad for you. I get all silly.<\/p>\n

Please, let me pick that up. I\u2019ll say. I\u2019ve been so foolish to let that drop. No my dear, don\u2019t worry. You could hurt your back bending over like that. Let me! Let me!<\/p>\n

And then out she goes with a smile splitting her broad face and I can\u2019t help but miss her when she\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m going to do.<\/p>\n

I might have to kill her and start all over again.<\/p>\n


\nDay 900<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve forged on with the experiment. Ignored the little nigglings in my heart and slipped the nanites into Rachel\u2019s morning oatmeal. By now they\u2019ve hitched a ride on some hemoglobin and are up in her brain, burrowing into her synapses.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve noticed no changes in her behavior, which is a good sign. With the others, everything misfired and they went into anaphylactic shock.<\/p>\n

Decades of work may be coming to fruition. This is a very auspicious day.<\/p>\n

Day 925<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve figured it out.<\/p>\n

I am a man and she is a woman and we are alone in this space station, way at the edge of known space.<\/p>\n

Of course feelings would develop. That drive to procreate is deep in the marrow of our framework. It\u2019s seeping out and corrupting my thoughts, making me think I actually feel something for the little toadstool.<\/p>\n

But I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s just animal instinct. It\u2019s just loneliness. I\u2019ve been alone out here a long, long time.<\/p>\n

Day 950<\/strong><\/p>\n

Day of days!<\/p>\n

I received the first transmission from the nanites. I\u2019ve run the signal a dozen times through the computer because at first I thought there was some kind of mistake. But the translation is the same every time.<\/p>\n

Love.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the word I\u2019m getting from her subconscious.<\/p>\n

It seems the little dolt has fallen in love with me. I\u2019ve confirmed it by breaking into her computer and reading her diary. What awful schoolgirl fantasies are there! Absolutely juvenile. They\u2019re all about me and her getting married back on Earth in some quaint country church (what\u2019s with woman and white steeple churches?). I don\u2019t know where she would get any of those ideas. How does she even know what Earth is? Did she see it in our movie catalog?<\/p>\n

Honestly, it doesn\u2019t matter. I should just focus on the fact that my work, my years of sacrifice, are starting to amount to something.<\/p>\n


\nDay 1100<\/strong><\/p>\n

I flushed her into space.<\/p>\n

Had to.<\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t getting anything but romance-novel garbage out of her head. I can\u2019t come to the board with data like that. They would laugh me out of the room.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s no matter. What matters is the nanites worked with her so they can work with the others.<\/p>\n

On a side note, I\u2019ve got to remind myself to delete this blog before I return. Wouldn\u2019t want this getting into the wrong hands.<\/p>\n

Funny thing…<\/p>\n

I kind of miss the old girl. There was something different about that one. Not sure what it was, but I almost feel sad she\u2019s gone.<\/p>\n

Day 1110<\/strong><\/p>\n

The nanites have taken to this new Rachel like a duck to water.<\/p>\n

Clean.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s all she thinks about. Day and night. It\u2019s ridiculous.<\/p>\n

Clean. Clean. Clean.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s funny how easy it is to create life, shape it, control it, and even end it, but when it comes to understanding it, it\u2019s impossible.<\/p>\n

That is, till now with my nanites.<\/p>\n

Day 1190<\/strong><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what the hell is with me. I should be singing, screaming, jumping up and down for joy. I\u2019m almost able to collect whole thoughts now. The end is in sight!<\/p>\n

But here I am, staring out the window at the stars and thinking about the Rachel who loved me. I didn\u2019t realize at the time how unique she was.<\/p>\n

None of the other Rachels have given two shits about me. There was something different about that one. I regret not realizing it at the time. There\u2019s something I could have learned about the mind there. Perhaps the cloning procedure miscarried a little with her genome structure and she was in some way different? I don\u2019t know. The logs don\u2019t have that level of detail.<\/p>\n

Day 1400<\/strong><\/p>\n

One of the Rachels found the other Rachel\u2019s diary and went all kinds of crazy. I had to lock myself in the lab while she rampaged up and down the corridor with a fire axe.<\/p>\n

The system was cranked up, so I could hear her thoughts.<\/p>\n

Kill. Kill. Kill.<\/p>\n

I was very lucky I could override the airlock in the corridor and bleed the oxygen out into space.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been weeks, but I haven\u2019t calmed down from that yet. I\u2019m too scared to fire another Rachel up.<\/p>\n

Day 1501<\/strong><\/p>\n

Lonely.<\/p>\n

Haven\u2019t instantiated another one in over a hundred days.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t seem to do anything, but wander the hallways and think about that one Rachel. Why did she love me? Why did that one love me?<\/p>\n

Day 1550<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve tried to move on. Put my mind into the formulas, remind myself I\u2019ve been out here for years and I\u2019ve nothing yet to show, but I just can\u2019t get it together. I keep thinking about the Rachel I made five-thousand Rachels ago. The Rachel who loved me.<\/p>\n

I remember when we kissed.<\/p>\n

She was cleaning my desk and I stood up and head butted her in the mouth. Split her lip wide open.<\/p>\n

I laughed at first. It was kind of funny to see how startled and hurt she was, like I\u2019d done it on purpose. Then she looked at me in this kicked puppy dog kind of way and my heart suddenly went out to her. I touched her face, gently brushed her round cheek with the back of my hand. Then we kissed and it was salt and blood and wonderful.<\/p>\n

My body aches for that kiss again.<\/p>\n

What the hell is wrong with me?<\/p>\n


\nDay 1600<\/strong><\/p>\n

I can\u2019t make that Rachel again. I\u2019ve tried and tried and tried.<\/p>\n

They won\u2019t kiss me–even when I\u2019m sweet to them. I\u2019ll get her to sit her in my chair while I run around the station, cleaning. But this doesn\u2019t delight them.<\/p>\n

So I abort and try again.<\/p>\n

I force the kiss and they bite me. Hard. Took a fair sized chunk out of my lower lip.<\/p>\n

This should be easy! I am superior to her in every way. She should love me the second she sees me. But this little toad feels nothing for me. I am to her as she is to me!<\/p>\n

I feel like I\u2019m back to day one of this project. No closer to understanding anything.<\/p>\n

Day 1625<\/strong><\/p>\n

Read back through my diary. My God the horror of what I\u2019ve done.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been so wrapped up in all this Rachel loves me nonsense I\u2019ve lost sight of why I\u2019m out here.<\/p>\n

Nanites. Nanites. Nanites.<\/p>\n

I am here to understand the mind. Not get laid!<\/p>\n

The board is on my back. They want to see progress or they\u2019re going to pull the plug. I need to buckle down. Need to put Rachel\u2019s little heart into the corner of my mind and throw away the key. She is designed to be nothing and I should think of her as such.<\/p>\n

Bear down man or you\u2019ll lose everything you\u2019ve worked for!<\/p>\n

Day 1700<\/strong><\/p>\n

Breakthrough!<\/p>\n

I can make Rachel love me.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s easy when you can hear entire thoughts. I just give her what she thinks. When she\u2019s hungry, I provide her with food. If she\u2019s cold, I make her warm. If she\u2019s lonely, I give her company. And soon enough, her thoughts are silver bells:<\/p>\n

I love him. I love him. I love him.<\/p>\n

It was almost too easy!<\/p>\n

I understand so much now. Love is need fulfilment. Plain and simple. I need; this person provides; and therefore I love them. <\/p>\n

That\u2019s why this Rachel loves me and that\u2019s why the other one loved me. I provide.<\/p>\n

The board is ecstatic. They\u2019ve sent a ship, the Charon, to collect me. Soon I\u2019ll be back on Earth, reveling in glory and riches!<\/p>\n

I have stamped my name into the history books.<\/p>\n

I am so proud of myself.<\/p>\n

Day 1725<\/strong><\/p>\n

Had an odd conversation with Rachel this morning. The little dear thinks she\u2019s coming back with me. I don\u2019t know how the hell she got that into her head (the fantasies of women!) <\/p>\n

She\u2019s in a tizzy cleaning the station, prepping for what she thinks are \u201chouse guests\u201d.<\/p>\n

If she only knew. If she only knew.<\/p>\n

Day 1750<\/strong><\/p>\n

Soon the Charon will dock at my station. I keep glancing out the window, hoping to see it. Rachel does too.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had to shut off her nanites. Her mind\u2019s chatter was driving me mad. Babbling brooks, they say. It\u2019s all white chapels and us walking down the aisles together, over and over again.<\/p>\n

Dreck!<\/p>\n

Day 1795<\/strong><\/p>\n

Rachel\u2019s locked herself in her room. Won\u2019t come out. She won\u2019t tell me why. I haven\u2019t bothered to turn her nanites on to know for sure. I don\u2019t care. Too busy categorizing the data. Packing up for the big move. The end is in sight.<\/p>\n

Day 1800<\/strong><\/p>\n

Something must have gone terribly wrong during this Rachel\u2019s instantiation. She\u2019s much cleverer than she\u2019s supposed to be. <\/p>\n

It looks like she\u2019s tricked me. Me! It doesn\u2019t seem possible, but there it is.<\/p>\n

This morning I noticed my nanite software was still running and when I turned the volume up I heard something shocking. It was my thoughts being broadcast!<\/p>\n

It seems she\u2019s put the nanites into my food and has been listening.<\/p>\n

The little witch!<\/p>\n

She needs to be aborted, needs to be flushed. But she\u2019s locked me out of the station\u2019s controls. She must have heard the password in my mind.<\/p>\n

God! When the Charon gets here she will be finished! She can\u2019t stop them from docking. They\u2019ll flush her tout suite when I tell them what\u2019s happened.<\/p>\n

I can\u2019t wait.<\/p>\n

Day 1825<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m so upset I can barely write. Something unimaginable has happened. Something dreadful.<\/p>\n

The little viper has destroyed the Charon!<\/p>\n

I watched from the airlock window. It was just about to dock and Rachel turned the station and revved the engines!<\/p>\n

Burnt them to nothing. Ten people immolated in an instant.<\/p>\n

The little monster!<\/p>\n

All this time and she was insane. How could I not have realized that? I could hear her thoughts as plain as day. It was love, love, love, and that\u2019s it. How could I have missed this?<\/p>\n

Day 1875<\/strong><\/p>\n

She\u2019s locked me in my room, frozen the controls too.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know what to do. I\u2019m so scared. I can\u2019t sleep. I\u2019ve been up for days.<\/p>\n

My monitor shows that she\u2019s fired up the cloning machine with a new genome structure. I can\u2019t stop it though, only watch the DNA form.<\/p>\n

What is the little psycho doing?<\/p>\n

Doesn\u2019t she love me! Doesn\u2019t she know I can provide for her? How can you treat someone you love like this?<\/p>\n

She\u2019s mad. Mad! Mad! Mad!<\/p>\n

Day 1900<\/strong><\/p>\n

I recognize the DNA structure. <\/p>\n

The little cretin is going to clone me.<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know why. It makes no sense. My mind is spinning at this. The whole thing has come lose.<\/p>\n

Day 1920<\/strong><\/p>\n

There\u2019s not much time. She\u2019s running the sub-routines to open the airlock.<\/p>\n

I was wrong. About her. About love. About everything. I understand what she\u2019s doing. I applaud her. I love her. She is a genius in her cunning.<\/p>\n

If I only knew her heart! If the nanites could only<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Day 798 My knees get weak at the sight of her. I start to sweat and my heart begins to hammer. My eyes go glassy and my pupils splay so wide they become like black holes. And I can\u2019t think straight. I can\u2019t even think simple thoughts, like calculating the diameter of a wormhole, which …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2422,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[124,3,12,3044],"tags":[3045],"class_list":["post-70654","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-science-fiction-aliens-space-ships","category-fiction","category-science-fiction","category-tcl-21-fall-2016","tag-the-colored-lens-21-autumn-2016","entry entry-center"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70654","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2422"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=70654"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70654\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":139508,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70654\/revisions\/139508"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=70654"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=70654"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=70654"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}