Lemme tell you about this elf named Keef. Ever since he\u2019s been outta prison, he\u2019s been spouting off his confession at every tavern in town anyway, so I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll mind if I put my spin on it.\n<\/p>\n
\nKeef moved to Brumewood City sometime after the war. Immediately hated the place. Always whining about the fog. Said it wigged him out how he couldn\u2019t see ten feet in front of him, how he never knew what was behind that veil of mist, how the floating firefly lamps looked like monster eyes.\n<\/p>\n
\nOld buddy from the war hooked him up with a janitor job at the infantry outpost. Steady beer money was enough to keep him in town.\n<\/p>\n
\nBut really, he stayed \u2018cause of Amennoel.\n<\/p>\n
\nAmennoel was the bartender at The Randy Sapling<\/em>. Quaint little place, perched between four redwoods a hundred feet up. Heights were never Keef\u2019s thing, but he climbed those spiral stairs fifteen minutes after his shift, on the dot, every night. Twice on the weekends.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef was sweet on Amennoel. Talks about her to this day. Obsessed with her heart. Her heart this, her heart that, her heart\u2019s so big. Now, I\u2019m paraphrasing here; he didn\u2019t actually say \u201cheart,\u201d more referring the geographic region in which her heart resided. But I\u2019m romantical in that way.\n<\/p>\n \nHere\u2019s the thing though: Amennoel was taken. Married to the tavern owner, Big Boothwyn Poppydance. Everybody loved Boothwyn. Hulking but cuddly, boisterous, handshake like a toppled sequoia, could make a constipated dragon laugh. One of those naturally beloved guys.\n<\/p>\n \nBeloved by everybody, but Keef.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef couldn\u2019t stand the way Boothwyn slapped his back. Called him Private Sourpants. Was jolly. What business does an elf have being jolly?\n<\/p>\n \nYou see, Keef thought himself big stuff, being a direct descendent of Buck Thornsight, that famous archer who kept a thousand bloodthirsty goblins from invading the Capital with nothing but his bow and spit. You know, that guy.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef was real proud of this piece of ancestral trivia, even carrying around a tattered tapestry square of old Buck, pointing out the family resemblance to anybody in range.\n<\/p>\n \nIt always rankled Keef\u2019s britches that he was just a foot soldier, despite his fancy heritage, but Jolly Boothwyn, son of a barrel-maker, was his Captain. Keef worked commissary duty under Captain Poppydance for three years, yet Boothwyn didn\u2019t recognize him. Keef had to remind Boothwyn they were in the same company. Twice.\n<\/p>\n \nBut Amennoel and her fabulous heart, well, that was enough to keep Keef a regular.\n<\/p>\n \nShe was a sweet gal, I\u2019ll give Keef that. Genuinely a kind soul. Apparently, when Keef showed her the tapestry square, she said \u201cOh, wow! You two have the same smile!\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nThat simple, polite kindness was enough to convince Keef she saw the inherent nobility inside him, which everybody else was too dumb to see.\n<\/p>\n \nOne day, Keef was chatting up Amennoel after work, about how his boss was such a jerk making him clean stuff, as if his very job was to do such things, but Amennoel was staring off, losing track of his story.<\/p>\n \n\u201cAm I boring you?\u201d he asked.\n<\/p>\n \nShe apologized, saying she was having a rough day.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef pressed, and after some attempts at changing the subject, she relented, whispering, \u201cSome days, I could knock Boothwyn\u2019s head off, you know?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nAnd that was that, there was no going back for Keef. Amennoel apologized for gossiping about Boothwyn, whom she loved dearly, assuring Keef she was just venting, but Keef didn\u2019t believe her.\n<\/p>\n \nHe knew that was her secret message to him. Her cry for help. She saw the true Hero that he was, and she needed to be rescued.\n<\/p>\n \nHe had hope for once. He and Amennoel had a future together. He just had to convince her to drop Boothwyn.\n<\/p>\n \nDigging shit out the latrines, Keef made merry fantasies of spiriting Amennoel away to some beach where they could plant their roots, never plagued by fog again. But he was just a janitor whose salary only had room for necessities. Beer was a necessity too, you see, so he could court Amennoel. He truly hated the stuff, forcing down four pints a night with extreme reluctance, of course.\n<\/p>\n \nWithout more money, he was stuck.\n<\/p>\n \nThen, one night, salvation came from the least likely source.\n<\/p>\n \nSloppy at the bar, Keef felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Boothwyn\u2019s butler. Keef grunted, saying something clever like, \u201cYou gonna get a step ladder and throw me out?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nYou see, Boothwyn\u2019s butler was a Clayheart dwarf Boothwyn brought back from the war. Got the dwarf doing all his errands and shit. According to Keef, the butler was unsettling, only communicated through grunts. The dwarf\u2019s beard was even shaved in the elven fashion, which always cracked Keef up, like \u201cGrow three feet and maybe you\u2019ll fit in. The beard isn\u2019t the issue.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nThe butler nodded towards Boothwyn\u2019s office.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef got all flustered figuring Amennoel spilled the beans about her love for Keef, and now Big Boothwyn was going to beat his face in with his Big Boothwyn fists.\n<\/p>\n \nBut, being the Hero he was, Keef followed the dwarf to meet his destiny.\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn was at his desk. The fly lamps hadn\u2019t been conjured yet, so the only light was the sallow dusk coming through the blinds. Whenever Keef tells this part of the story, he gets real particular about how that light came through those blinds, casting black stripes across Boothwyn\u2019s body. It put sweat on the back of his hands.\n<\/p>\n \nSuddenly, Keef wasn\u2019t in Boothwyn\u2019s office. He was back in Onyxia during the war, ten years prior. His first assignment recruiting Clayheart dwarves to the elves\u2019 side in the fight against Grimoth Chaffmaker. Keef would pay the Clayhearts to turn on their dwarven brethren who\u2019d allied with the Chaffmaker. Keef gave the Clayhearts thistlewhip seeds, and they\u2019d sneak into Onyxian towns disguised as day laborers, and plant the thistlewhip in the bad dwarves\u2019 fields at night. When dawn came, the thistlewhip would burst into life, growing into seven-foot tall, walking, whipping, barbed vines, annihilating everything in their path for six hours, until the noon sun withered them dry. Keef never forgot the first village decimated by his thistlewhips. Found an old dwarf woman lying in her bed, diced into a hundred neat slices, hardly disfigured so surgical were the thistlewhip\u2019s cuts.\n<\/p>\n \nShe was smiling. Never saw it coming.\n<\/p>\n \nAnyways. Back in Boothwyn\u2019s office, the way those blinds divided up Boothwyn\u2019s face gave Keef the creeps.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef looked visibly agitated, but without a word, Boothwyn put some whiskey in Keef\u2019s shaking hands.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef thought, \u201cHey, maybe Boothwyn ain’t so bad. He was in the same war. He gets it. Knows what I need without making a big deal about it.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nThe fog of whiskey obscured all those pesky memories for a time.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHave some too,\u201d Keef said when Boothwyn poured him a second glass.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cI don\u2019t drink.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef was about to comment that Boothwyn was in the wrong profession, but Boothwyn launched right into his pitch:\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHey, I know I razz you a bunch about how I don\u2019t remember you, calling you Private Sourpants and all that, but that\u2019s just razzing, you know? Of course I remember you. I remember every face in Aspen Company. You\u2019re my brother, I hope you know that.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef coughed, unsure how to take that.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou remember when our boys took that temple on the south end of Miteseyo Valley?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cOf course I remember. The Beards poured hot metal on us. Lost half our platoon.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cTil we came in with the rowan singers.\u201d Boothwyn smiled. \u201cShowed those little freaks why they should\u2019ve stayed in their holes, and let the big boys fight, instead of joining the wrong side.\u201d Boothwyn\u2019s butler handed him some water. \u201dThank you.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef took the liberty of sampling some more whiskey. When the hot steel fell on his comrades, they\u2019d screamed with such an unnatural pitch, it sounded like a flute. They\u2019re in that cave to this day, immovable metal statues.\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn waited a beat for Keef to finish the glass.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWhen the temple was secured, and you infantry boys were setting up in the lower chamber, Captain Birchtale and I were exploring the upper chamber. Now, I\u2019m not proud of this part, but we found something.\u201d Boothwyn took a theatrical breath. \u201cThe temple\u2019s tribute collection. Most gold and shiny stones I\u2019ve ever seen. Birchtale and I agreed to keep the treasure, not share it with the Company. Like I said, shameful. We collapsed the wall, blamed it on a cave-in. You remember that?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cUh-huh,\u201d Keef said. \u201cHad to move further north. Had to sleep in snow.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThat\u2019s right. And I regret that too. But I\u2019m gonna make it up to you.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cBit late for that, ain’t it?\u201d Keef said.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cNot the way I see it. Thing is, Birchtale and I never got that treasure. After our boys caved-in Onyxia and quartered the Queen, the Clayhearts took over what was left of the Queendom and made some changes. They outlawed the old Onyxian religion, which was sensible. But the fucked-up thing is they sealed all the old temples. When Birchtale and I returned after the war, the temple\u2019s cave door was soldered shut with iron, and we no longer had the power of the Empire behind us. Couldn\u2019t get in.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef snorted at the comeuppance.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSo I opened my tavern, met Amennoel, and moved on. Birchtale got the fever and died. Life\u2019s good, love my bride, but\u2026\u201d Boothwyn shrugged. \u201cYou know how it is. Emperor doesn\u2019t care about his soldiers, not during peace time. Money\u2019s sparse. I got some parasites breathing down my neck. Gambling debts.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef perked up at this potential piece of leverage.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSo I gots to thinking, hey, I know where salvation is, untouched, just waiting.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cBut the treasure\u2019s sealed up,\u201d Keef said.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSure.\u201d Boothwyn gave one of his most winsome smiles. \u201cBut that\u2019s where you come in.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef squinted something fierce. All that booze was giving the walls a tune to jig to.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou work at the outpost, right?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYeah.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThey got a lot of weaponry there, right? In case shit goes down.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSure.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cBut those peacetime brats holding down the fort, they don\u2019t know their ass from an arrowhead. They were just babes when the war was going.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYep.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cMost of them are in my bar an hour before their shift ends. You\u2019re the only one who does the work. Only one with integrity there.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou know that\u2019s right.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSo how hard, hypothetically, would it be to get your hands on some thistlewhip? Let\u2019s say three seeds. Hypothetically.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef considered this. \u201cNot hard.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nBig Boothwyn put out his hands like \u201cWell?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef took a moment to steady his sight. \u201cYou want me to steal some thistlewhip?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYessir.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSo\u2026\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSo we can tear that temple door off its hinges and get that treasure.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWith thistlewhip?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou know better than anyone what one seed can do, let alone three.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nHe knew that old dwarf woman\u2019s smile, off-balance from the slice cleaving her face.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYeah. Could work.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cFifty-fifty. You get half.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHalf of what?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThe treasure, brother, keep up! You deserve it. The whole company deserved it back then. But now, you know how it is, everybody\u2019s scattered across the Empire, or dead. You\u2019re the only comrade I know. You deserve it on their behalf.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef nodded. Boothwyn wasn\u2019t that bad after all, but he still wasn\u2019t right for Amennoel. He was a gambler, a booze peddler. Amennoel deserved a Hero with a dashing smile. With that treasure, they could run off together. Wouldn\u2019t even need to hurt Boothwyn or nothing. Once she saw Keef could provide for her, she\u2019d be all his.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou\u2019ve got a deal.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nFrom how Keef tells it, stealing the thistlewhip seeds was as easy as expected. Guard on duty was playing shells with some cooks, and Keef strolled right into the armory, grabbed three plum-sized seeds of destruction, and shoved them in in light-proof black sack without a hitch.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef didn\u2019t tell his employers he was taking time off, as if they\u2019d give it to him. As far as he was concerned, he\u2019d have no need for a job when he returned.\n<\/p>\n \nThe night before Keef and Boothwyn left, Keef chatted with Amennoel at The Randy Sapling<\/em>.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou excited for the fishing trip?\u201d Evidently, Boothwyn\u2019s excuse for being out of town was a fishing trip with a barfly.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYep,\u201d Keef said. \u201cSay\u2026\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nAmennoel looked at him with those elven princess eyes, like she\u2019d walked right out of a tapestry.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou like the beach?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSure. Family visited Azulith when I was a girl.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou liked it?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cIt was alright. Pretty. But hot. I like Brumewood better.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou gotta be shitting me!\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHey, this is my home.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cAll this bullshit fog. Black mold everywhere. Damp as a troll\u2019s ass-crack. You\u2019re crazy.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThe fog\u2019s cozy. Makes me feel wrapped up, like a blanket.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cI think you\u2019ll change your mind.\u201d Keef gave a knowing smile.\n<\/p>\n \nAmennoel looked at him with a strange expression. Keef interpreted it as restrained excitement. I don\u2019t know what it was. I wasn\u2019t there.\n<\/p>\n \nThe next morning, Keef was getting all bothered, loading provisions into the wagon. Boothwyn\u2019s butler was leaning against a nearby redwood, chomping down on an apple.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cLend me a hand, will ya,\u201d Keef commanded, not asked.\n<\/p>\n \nThe butler moseyed over, hand outstretched. Confused, Keef reached out, and the butler dropped the chewed-up apple core in his hand.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThe fuck!\u201d Keef dropped the core, and was about to clobber the dwarf, when Boothwyn appeared.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cTo the Road!\u201d Boothwyn jovially slapped Keef on the back.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef climbed into the wagon and said, \u201cI don\u2019t gotta sit next to your butler do I?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cMy butler isn\u2019t coming,\u201d Boothwyn said. \u201cWouldn\u2019t be proper.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nAnd with that, they were off.\n<\/p>\n \nThe trip from Brumewood to the Onyxian mountains was five days solid ride. Honestly, not much to report here. I usually take a smoke break whenever Keef\u2019s telling this part of the story. Rivers. hills. I think there was some business with a troll? Keef makes it sound like the troll was chasing them, and they narrowly escaped with their lives, but to me it just sounded like the the troll was crossing the road to pick some blueberries, and they over-reacted.\n<\/p>\n \nThey eventually reached Loam Town, a farming village of the former Onyxian Queendom, now a territory of the Evergreen Empire run by the Clayheart dwarves who\u2019d allied with the elves in the righteous fight against Grimoth Chaffmaker.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef described Loam Town as the usual post-war pastiche: busted stone-huts with rat-gnawed roofs, scrawny dwarf kids pissing in the streets, packs of dogs hunting stray livestock. You know, Victory.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cI\u2019m so glad I pulled her out of this pit,\u201d Boothwyn remarked as they rode through the town.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHuh?\u201d Keef asked. It was the first thing Boothwyn had said all day.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cMy butler,\u201d Boothwyn said. \u201cShe was just a kid during the war, one of those ragamuffins running wild in the streets. One of our Clayhearts we recruited to the cause. Planted more thistlewhip than any of them. A real work ethic.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYour butler\u2019s a girl?\u201d Keef was stuck on that revelation. \u201cHow do you even know with the beard?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cOh, I know,\u201d Boothwyn replied. At this point in the story, Keef would usually give a big salacious wink, especially if he saw I was in the audience.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWhy\u2019d you take her home?\u201d Keef asked.\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn looked at him like he was an idiot.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cI saved her. Look at these creatures. We freed them from the oppression of those uppity mountain dwarves, gave them the same rights as elves, and this\u2026\u201d He waved at the town. \u201cThis is all they could do with that blessing?\u201d Boothwyn stared off for a while. \u201cCouldn\u2019t let that hard-working little girl end up like this. So I rescued her.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cMerciful of you,\u201d Keef said. He didn\u2019t add that he was about to rescue Amennoel in much the same way.\n<\/p>\n \nAfter Loam Town\u2019s crumbly outer wall, the settlements thinned, and it was just bare chaparral as the Onyxia foothills started in earnest.\n<\/p>\n \nSometimes Keef skips the next part, but I usually badger him to tell it. Keef doesn\u2019t think it\u2019s important, but I like it.\n<\/p>\n \nYou see on the road up to the temple, this lone dwarf was blocking their path.\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn called out, \u201cYou lost?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nIt was a truly ancient dwarf woman, like she could hardly get out of bed, let along trek the two miles back to town.\n<\/p>\n \nThe dwarf didn\u2019t answer. Merely smiled at them. She was digging a hole right there in the middle of the road with a tiny trowel. Her white hair was all a fury, a storm, the coldest of blizzards.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cMadness\u2026\u201d Boothwyn steered their wagon around her. \u201cAbsolute madness.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef couldn\u2019t help but agree. Something about how she was blocking their way really chafed him.\n<\/p>\n \nThen, they arrived at the temple. An iron slab covered the moss-choked cave hole, soldered neatly to the mountainside. There were no geometric designs carved into the metal, as was typical of dwarven architecture. Merely a single maxim written in both dwarvish and elvish:\n<\/p>\n \n \n \nForget your old way\n<\/p>\n \nIt will poison you<\/em>\n<\/p>\n \n \n \n\u201cYou ready?\u201d Boothwyn asked Keef.\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn pointed to a spot at the bottom corner of the iron slab.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cOne seed should do. We\u2019ll need one to dig the treasure out too.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nTo be safe, they waited until dark before removing the seed from the bag. Then they dug a shallow hole, only a few inches deep, buried the seed, and poured a drop of water over the mound. Thistlewhip is a simple weed, doesn\u2019t need much, just a swig of water and some dawn light.\n<\/p>\n \nAs for the light, they brought a sun summoner, which is basically just conjuring bark with elvish runes on both sides.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou wanna do the honors?\u201d Boothwyn asked.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef nicked his forearm with his dagger and rubbed the sun summoner into his welling blood, making sure the blood filled all the runes. The medallion began to glow.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cStand back.\u201d Keef pointed the medallion at the mound, and a concentrated beam of the golden dawn light shot out.\n<\/p>\n \nThe thistlewhip vine stabbed out of ground and grew into a seven-foot spear. Smaller, angrier vines sprouted from the main shaft and began whipping with a demonic fury.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef and Boothwyn stepped back about twenty-five yards and watched the show. As the thistlewhip mutated into a vaguely humanoid shape, it whipped its indestructible vines at the mountain wall, tearing out hunks of granite the size of Keef\u2019s head. It worked with a mindless devotion, cutting efficiently and tirelessly until there was a hole big enough to walk through. With no stone left to stand in its way, the thistlewhip turned its faceless, knotty head towards the mule. The poor creature backed away, but found itself caught in the wagon\u2019s binds.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cBetter burn it before it kills our ride,\u201d Boothwyn chuckled.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef flipped the sun summoner to the noon side and filled its rune with his blood. White noon light shot from the medallion, and the thistlewhip caught fire, withering to ash in seconds.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWhat I tell ya?\u201d Boothwyn clapped Keef on the back. \u201cJust one seed\u2019ll do it.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nThey entered the temple through the fresh wound in the mountainside.\n<\/p>\n \nTheir comrades were still there, cast in infinite iron skin, mouths open though their song had long since died. Keef and Boothwyn took a moment to pour out some whiskey and leave a few bites of date bread.\n<\/p>\n \nThe rest of the temple didn\u2019t warrant the same reverence: No drops of whiskey for the ceremonial cisterns now toppled and cracked; no moment of silence for the meditation cushions once hand-stitched by blind priestesses, now damp and moth-eaten; no whispered prayers for the statues of the mountain ape gods, now orphaned in the darkness.\n<\/p>\n \nIt was just dwarf shit after all.\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn led them to the upper chamber to the crystal priests\u2019 quarters, and the entrance was clogged with stone, just like Boothwyn promised.\n<\/p>\n \nThey buried the second thistlewhip seed beneath the rubble.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cI got it this time.\u201d Boothwyn cut his arm.\n<\/p>\n \nThe thistlewhip pulverized the rubble in minutes. After charring the thistlewhip, they walked into the priests\u2019 quarters, and Boothwyn pulled open a discrete door to another smaller chamber.\n<\/p>\n \nAccording to Keef, the reflection off the treasure was blinding.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWhich half you want?\u201d Boothwyn grinned. \u201cLeft or right?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nIt was nearly dawn before they\u2019d finished loading the treasure onto the wagon. There were still probably three more loads sitting in that room, but Boothwyn said if they put any more on the wagon, the axel would break.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cDon\u2019t be greedy, Keef my boy,\u201d Boothwyn said. \u201cWith this haul, you never dig another latrine.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nKeef agreed, but secretly planned to swing back by on the way to the beaches, once he snagged Amennoel.\n<\/p>\n \nOn the road back to Loam Town, they saw the old dwarf woman again. The hole she\u2019d been digging through the night was deep enough to hold her. She was pulling armfuls of dirt over her chest, burying herself, looking them right in the eye as they passed, never breaking her smile.\n<\/p>\n \nThey didn\u2019t say a word, just kept driving.\n<\/p>\n \nThe trip home was uneventful. Not even a troll this time.\n<\/p>\n \nIt was after midnight when they arrived in Brumewood. Not wanting to wake Amennoel, they went back to Boothwyn\u2019s office to celebrate their safe arrival.\n<\/p>\n \nKeef honestly wanted to just fuck-out of there, count his loot, and buy a fancy cloak, but Boothwyn\u2019s butler brought out some celebratory cider.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWhy not?\u201d Boothwyn said. \u201cI\u2019ll break my code for one drink.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cOne drink.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cTo Peace,\u201d Boothwyn raised his glass. \u201cAnd dwarven piety.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHere, here.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nThe cider was surprisingly strong. Almost immediately Keef felt his shoulders loosened, along with his lips.\n<\/p>\n \nHe looked around at the tavern office and thought perhaps he\u2019d open his own place, now that he had the means. He\u2019d do a better job too. Come up with a better name, that\u2019s for sure.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThe Randy Sapling<\/em>\u2026\u201d Keef said. \u201cWhere\u2019d the name come from?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou don\u2019t know?\u201d Boothwyn chuckled.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWouldn\u2019t be asking if I knew, would I?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cIt\u2019s from that famous joke.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cCan\u2019t be that famous if I ain\u2019t heard it.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nBoothwyn poured them another glass. \u201cOh, you\u2019re gonna love it.\u201d He settled into his orator stance, and dove into the joke.\n<\/p>\n \nBasically, it\u2019s one of those long, exhausting jokes meant to wear down the audience until they\u2019re right at their breaking point, and then you hit them with some dumbass pun or nursery rhyme that\u2019s so stupid it comes back around to being funny.\n<\/p>\n \nI\u2019ll spare you the full experience, but the gist was: an elven princess, for some reason, acquires the attention of a very horny tree, who proceeds to molest her in increasingly vile ways.\n<\/p>\n \nYou know, one of those classic raping tree stories elves love so much.\n<\/p>\n \nSo, this happens over and over, violation after violation, and eventually the elf lady gets fed up and chops down the tree. Then, years later, she gives birth to a pine tree. She\u2019s understandably bemused and asks her gardener what\u2019s going on. She killed the pervy tree years ago, didn\u2019t she? How is this possible? Her wise gardener nods solemnly and hits her with this elvish proverb:\n<\/p>\n \n \n \nIf you fell a tree, leave not its roots buried,\n<\/p>\n \nFor if you forget, one day its fruits you\u2019ll carry.<\/em><\/p>\n Micah Giddens grew up in Elk Grove, California where he combatted suburban malaise with a MiniDV camera, making dumb Youtube videos with his friends. He now lives in Chicago with his wife and two cats (Grendel and Ludwig). When he\u2019s not writing, he\u2019s commiserating with his writing group Draft Quest, or taking mediocre photos of the city. Like a Ninja Turtle, his favorite foods are pizza and candy. His fiction has appeared in Spooky Magazine, Red Sheep Magazine, and in the Morgana Le Fay anthology by Flame Tree Publishing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Lemme tell you about this elf named Keef. Ever since he\u2019s been outta prison, he\u2019s been spouting off his confession at every tavern in town anyway, so I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll mind if I put my spin on it. Keef moved to Brumewood City sometime after the war. Immediately hated the place. Always whining about …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":110330,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,20220],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-142445","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","category-tcl-56-summer-2025","entry entry-center"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/142445","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/110330"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=142445"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/142445\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":142458,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/142445\/revisions\/142458"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=142445"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=142445"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=142445"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}