\nWhen my friend Bruno stopped by my house for a visit, I knew right away he was a secret drop-in. He didn\u2019t smell like Bruno, you know? He didn\u2019t quite move like how I remembered.\n<\/p>\n
\nSniffing out signs of introversion \u2014 that\u2019s their M.O. The congeniality police will report you if they suspect any evidence of introspective activities.\n<\/p>\n
\nIf you fail a secret drop-in, you might get a citation three weeks later. Maybe a fine for inhospitable behavior. Sometimes worse. It all depends on what they find.\n<\/p>\n
\nYou can tell a secret drop-in if they say stuff like Hello stranger<\/em> or Oh I was worried about you<\/em> or Hey, just thought I\u2019d touch base. It\u2019s been a while.<\/em>\n<\/p>\n \nSeriously, touch base? Baseball hasn\u2019t been a thing for two decades. You want to touch base?\n<\/p>\n \nThey disguise themselves as your closest friends or relatives. But if you\u2019re smart, you can tell the difference. The fakes are like super-extraverted versions of whoever they\u2019re pretending to be.\n<\/p>\n \nPay attention. Though they act familiar, a secret drop-in will display subtle signs of having never met you before. For instance, they\u2019ll look at things your friends wouldn\u2019t look at, like your name tag. Or your hands. A close friend wouldn\u2019t examine your hands. Hands are only interesting if you\u2019ve never seen them before.\n<\/p>\n \nThey ask you all the usual catch-up questions: What\u2019ve you been up to lately? What are you doing this weekend? Are you seeing anyone? Oh is it serious? How\u2019s work going? Do you like your coworkers?<\/em>\n<\/p>\n \nThe first thing Bruno did was glance at the Hi I\u2019m: Tobi <\/em>emblazoned in blue stitching on my right breast pocket. Then he said, \u201cEy, Tobi, bud. How long has it been?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cWhat a surprise,\u201d I said, mustering up as much enthusiasm as I could. \u201cCome in, friend. It\u2019s been too long. Have a seat.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nTo pass a secret drop-in you have to tick each box on their checklist: Ask if they want something to drink. Ask if they\u2019d like to have a seat. Ask if they want to use the bathroom before they leave. Suggest a future time and place to hang out. Show them recent pictures on your phone. Agree to look at anything they show you on their phone. I mean anything.<\/em> Doesn\u2019t matter how stupid.\n<\/p>\n \nHe walked passed my television and looked down at my game console, noting the single controller. \u201cNice setup. Whatcha been playing? Where\u2019s your other controller?\u201d he asked.\n<\/p>\n \nI had to think fast. \u201cOh, I let my neighbor borrow it. We play all the time. Online multi-player. His controller broke. So I was just being nice by letting him borrow mine. I might just let him keep it, actually. I can pick up another one tomorrow or something,\u201d I said, hoping the lie didn\u2019t sound too forced.\n<\/p>\n \nAnything that implicates you in a solitary activity will throw up a red flag. If they even see a book, forget about it. At that point, they\u2019ll just make up an excuse and leave because they know they got you. I haven\u2019t owned a physical book in years.\n<\/p>\n \nI tried to distract him by engaging in more conversation: \u201cYou look good, man. You shaved for once.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nHe touched his jaw. \u201cOh yeah. I was on my way to a work thing. This mixer they\u2019re having for a new hire.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cThey give parties for new hires? That\u2019s awesome.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYeah, we want to make them feel welcomed. Make them see how collegial we all are.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \nThe Bruno I knew only shaved about once a month. I picked up a small basketball and tossed it to him. I nodded at the mini-hoop hanging from my bedroom door. Faux Bruno tossed up a shot. Swish. Then he winked and pointed at me and said, \u201cNice assist, bud.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cI should suggest that at my job. I think it\u2019s a great idea,\u201d I said, doing my best to continue the pointless banter.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cSome of the smaller workplaces make excuses. They say it\u2019s not in the budget to do stuff like that. But that\u2019s never true. If bosses do their due diligence, they can find the funds. Social camaraderie is an integral part of any successful enterprise. I\u2019m not sure if you know, but any workplace can file for a new employee welcoming grant from the Workplace Congeniality Foundation. Just about any business can qualify. Maybe mention that to your manager on Monday.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cOh I definitely will. Thanks.\u201d What I wanted to know was when the hell did Bruno become an expert on workplace spending? Is this guy even trying? He must be new at the whole imposter thing.\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cYou\u2019re welcome, bud,\u201d Faux Bruno said.\n<\/p>\n \nThe first time I got in trouble for asocial behavior was back in college. I had locked myself in my dorm room for two straight days to study for midterms. Studying is best done in groups, they said. That\u2019s when I learned all about the Department of Congeniality. The Workplace Congeniality Foundation is one of their subsidiaries. The whole thing is a sprawling umbrella corporation, a giant tech conglomerate that profits off of people staying connected and always sharing. It\u2019s the very same department that monitors your social media to see if you\u2019ve become underactive.\n<\/p>\n \nIf you\u2019ve been particularly underactive, that\u2019ll tip them off. In fact, that might have been why they were visiting me. I had been slacking.\n<\/p>\n \nWhen you\u2019re online, it\u2019s always a good idea to randomly like stuff or share things as much as possible, on whatever social platforms you visit. Even if it has no significance whatsoever. At least it shows that you\u2019re active.\n<\/p>\n \nDon\u2019t even try to delete a profile. You\u2019ll find yourself embroiled in a full-on intervention. They make you attend social skills rehab. Seminars on how to stay connected. Classes on how to maintain your presence. Those are the worst. Trust me. If you\u2019re a closet introvert, you really don\u2019t want to meet the kind of people who teach those seminars for a living. Holy hell.\n<\/p>\n \nBruno looked at the pics on my fridge. He laughed at the right things. He brought up the correct anecdotes. He did everything right to show me he was nominally the best friend he was supposed to be. But I knew the truth. The real truth. Bruno and I hadn\u2019t spoken in years. I couldn\u2019t even tell you who ghosted who. In fact, despite being ostensibly connected to many of the people that littered my friends lists, I hadn\u2019t seen any of them face-to-face in a long long time.\n<\/p>\n \nI didn\u2019t really have any friends anymore. My last real friend was my illegal cat, Teddy. He was the best. I got him back when you could still get cats on the black market, shortly after they were banned as pets for their innate aloofness.\n<\/p>\n \nAs Bruno gave me a hug and said his goodbyes, my palms were still sweating. I hoped he wouldn\u2019t see the stark reality that lurked back behind my eyes. That my dream was to become a hermit.\n<\/p>\n \nI know that\u2019s virtually impossible. There can be no hermits. \u201cHey, you sure you don\u2019t wanna use the toilet before you head out?\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cNah I\u2019m good, bud. As always, thanks for the hospitality.\u201d\n<\/p>\n \n\u201cHope to see you again soon,\u201d I said, closing the door, resisting the impulse to slam it.\n<\/p>\n \nI took a deep breath and sat on my couch for six minutes. I stood up and looked out the window. At the seven minute mark, the coast was clear. I decided for good measure I\u2019d go out and check my mail, just so I could get a view around the neighborhood, to see if he was really gone.\n<\/p>\n \nI opened my mailbox and pulled out some bills. That\u2019s when I noticed the blue and orange car in the distance. A fleet of congeniality police turned the corner on to my block. No, no, no. Not again. My heart sank.\n<\/p>\n \nIn what felt like slow motion, they parked one after another in front of my house. I dropped my mail and raised my hands up, open palms facing the cruisers. The tinted rear window of the lead car rolled down to reveal Bruno\u2019s face, eyes hidden behind dark sunglasses, his lips motionless, without even the hint of a smile.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When my friend Bruno stopped by my house for a visit, I knew right away he was a secret drop-in. He didn\u2019t smell like Bruno, you know? He didn\u2019t quite move like how I remembered. Sniffing out signs of introversion \u2014 that\u2019s their M.O. The congeniality police will report you if they suspect any evidence …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":107021,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,20006],"tags":[20007],"class_list":["post-137790","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fiction","category-tcl-35-spring-2020","tag-the-colored-lens-35-spring-2020","entry entry-center"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/137790","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/107021"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=137790"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/137790\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":137791,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/137790\/revisions\/137791"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=137790"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=137790"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/thecoloredlens.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=137790"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}